I Don’t Know About You, But I’m Feeling 32

As of today Moose is officially 80% cooked. So, like, al dente, maybe? Sure.

Anyway, he’s large, and so am I. Everyday tasks are becoming more of a challenge. Because when you have a live, squirming, possibly-octopus the size of a jimaca residing atop your bladder (aside: what the hell is a jimaca?), nothing doesn’t feel awkward. Except maybe lying naked in bed with eighty pillows around you and a fan blowing full blast. That feels totally natural.

Lugging this cumbersome carcass around has lead to some pretty sad/entertaining moments for any flies watching from my wall. For example, you should see me attempting to clean up Chip’s half-eaten chicken Dino Buddies from the floor. It’s akin to watching a cross-eyed polar bear ice fishing, only WAY less graceful. The amount of growling is probably the same, though. Oh, stuff on the floor. We hates it, precious.

You should probably not ask me when the last time I shaved my legs was, either.

All things considered I’m feeling pretty great. Shhh, don’t tell the folks at the clinic, but I may have tapped into the cache of Xyrem I had squirreled away from when Chip was a newborn and sleep was a long-forgotten dream. (My OB/GYN is fine with it.) I feel like a new woman. Also my hair is fabulous and my skin is looking less like pizza and more like skin.

This past Sunday was nice. Mother’s Day is an uncomfortable time for me for reasons too gloomy to get into, but darned if CK and the ward didn’t do their best to make it a lovely day. I slept in, ate lots of sweet things, and watched Doctor Who with my dearly beloveds. What did you do?

A major highlight of my life is that bff Pixie is coming up tomorrow and we’re spending all weekend together! YES!! It appears that my plea for visitors is finally being heard. Not that this means the rest of you are off the hook (ahem, Fraulein.) Anyway, we’re gonna party it UP (fifteen-year-old-hyping-on-his-Twitter-style) and do us some serious pampering. With treatments! At a real spa and everything! Which will probably be weird because the fanciest I ever go is a yearly haircut and having Roxy shellac my erstwhile visible toenails. Gah. I am so excited.

And now for my favorite picture of the moment. Can you believe how grown up this little poser is looking? Neither can I.

You know I can’t resist saying it – have a happy hump day! Go get yourself some Ben & Jerry’s or something. Moose recommends Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. It’s his favorite.

Currently listening to: Cruise (Remix) by Florida Georgia Line feat. Nelly

Nesting 102, or, What I Wish I’d Known Last Time ‘Round This Dance Floor

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Hallo hallo! Remember how I had these grand weekend plans last time we cyber-stalked each other? No? That’s okay. I didn’t get to do any of them because I got slammed with the Mother of all Rhinoviruses and am just now recovering. Much time was spent lying on the couch hacking up rubber cement and bemoaning the forbiddenness of ibuprofen. Thank heaven Chip was his usual sweet, mellow self – even if he did laugh and call me an elephant every time I blew my nose. He also started referring to my 44 oz vanilla Diet Dr. Peppers as “mama’s juice”. Correct, little man. Correct.

Despite the snot circus, we’ve had some exciting pre-baby developments around here. Well, they are exciting for me because I don’t really have a life, but what can you do?

CK and I finally decided on a *real* name for Moose – thus avoiding repeating the Baby Naming Crisis of 2011. If by “decided” I mean “Sav made an executive decision because CK was noncommittal”.
Prenatal appointments are down to twice a month.
Strangers have apparently stopped speculating whether I am knocked up or just really tubby because all of sudden they are up in my face with congratulations and the standard round of questions. It’s cute; I don’t mind. CK thinks it’s hilarious that it’s taken this long because according to him, it’s been super obvious since like, two seconds after I conceived. Not sure how I feel about that, exactly.
Preregistered for the hospital.
Made some leeway clearing out my freezer and pantry in anticipation of casserole-bearing Relief Society Sisters. In case you were wondering, free dinners are a major perk of being a Mormon.
Finished a few more nursery decor projects, because apparently I decorate things now. I’m most excited/bewildered by the success of Moose’s baby quilt. I share this picture not to humblebrag, but to assure you that with enough bullheaded obstinance and sugar, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. (Seriously, kids. Remember how badly I struggled last time? Follow your dreams.) I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to About.com and Ashley at Make It and Love It.

Most of my domestic pursuits are far more boring than this – like a closet full of clean laundry or a scrubbed shower. I still appreciate the surge of energy. As I’ve said before, this whole ‘nesting’ impulse is pretty handy. But I mean it’s only fair that a pregnant woman be granted a measure of hyper-productivity while her offspring crams its way more tightly between her organs, ya naw?

Other things!

Hartley came to visit me for an entire afternoon, and it was amazing. GAH. I love her. Last time CK and I saw her, she was a supah-fresh RM and we were literally packing the moving van for Idaho, so we only got to chat for like five seconds. She’s as gorgeous and tall and Hartley-y as ever. Pretty sure she has some pictures of our time together, so if you’re reading this, H, send ‘em my way, por favor!

I have some issues with the Your Pregnancy Today iPhone apps I use. First and foremost is the fact that the “experts” writing the “advice” for them keep recommending asinine ways of “exploring my options”, like thinking a water birth is a good idea. Public Service Announcement: Under no circumstances is it A) natural or B) smart to have your baby’s first exposure to a non-womb environment be nasty bloody poop water. I mean, eww. Also, no. You do not need to buy the entire list of recommended baby items from Amazon.com or read BabyWise. BabyWise is the worst.

Ooh, in fact, here instead is some better advice for you upcoming mommies, courtesy of Yours Truly, free of charge and you are welcome. What I would give to go back in time and give these tips to myself – because I was truly a hawt. freaking. mess. Ready go!

Your baby will not die if he/she has to cry for 15 seconds while you brush your teeth. (Well, hopefully you can take more than 15 seconds, but you get the point.) You may have crippling postpartum anxiety like I did, and it may try to convince you that your newborn’s bellowing signals the End of Days, but trust me. The noisy little pooper will in fact survive, and your significant other will thank you for using basic hygiene. So will everyone in a two-mile radius.
Learn to swaddle. Even if your little one screams and pretends to hate it at first. When my sweet MIL Milly finally did this correctly for me, Chip (and I!) slept like a little baby angel conked out on Benadryl. Ahhhh.
Layer several crib sheets at once. That way, if (read: WHEN) your precious pumpkin excretes unspeakable messes all over himself in the middle of the night, you can pull the top sheet off without having to worry about replacing it at an hour when you’ve got the mental wherewithal of a drunken David Hasselhoff. This time around I’m also trying these disposable changing pads … will return and report.
Pretty much everything in this post is accurate. Well, except I like my Bumbo.
If the nursing staff offers to watch your baby overnight at the hospital, let them. For heaven’s sake, woman. Get some sleep while you still can!
Dry shampoo. Go out and buy some, like, yesterday. Also, Udder Cream is really good for that pesky pre- and post-delivery belly itchiness. You probably already know about Lansinoh for the lady bits, so I won’t say anything further on that, other than yes. A hundred times yes.
Other pampering products I cannot live without: this, this, and this. Take the time; feel 800000x better.
A Costco membership will quickly pay for itself in diaper and wipes savings, especially if you hold out for the $6-off coupons that come every few months. Plus, those Kirkland wipes are the BEST. Just do it. Become a Costcoer (or Sam’s Clubber). Jooooooiiiiin ussssss.
For the endowed LDS pregs out there: learn from my mistakes and skip the maternity garments altogether, especially if you live anywhere warmer than Antarctica. Not only is the cotton/poly as hot as Hades’ armpits, but the sleeves are usually so long that they hang out of your clothing and look ridiculous. The superhigh bottoms may be comfortable at first, but by the last trimester the elastic WILL cut right into the middle of your waist and cause weird bulges. Bonus: the DriSilque maternity bottoms will make those cute over-the-belly capris you bought slip down past your crack the first time you bend over. Instead, buy Carinessa II everything a size or two larger in Tall. Tuck the waistband under your royal bulkiness and be happy.
Dove Sensitive Skin deodorant works great for inevitable swoob. Yup, just slather it right under there. It’s gentle enough that it (probably) won’t irritate your skin, and it sure makes a difference.
On that note, if you’re anything like me, you’ll need to make sure that all your nursing clothing and covers are made of light, forgiving material. BFing makes you sweat like a pig – maybe the calorie burnage? – especially if you suck at doing it in public like I did. For some reason I thought I could handle 5 layers at once (garments, bra, cami, top shirt, nursing cover – most of them a thick cotton/spandex or poly blend) and I was on the verge of heat stroke ALL the time. Not pleasant. If you must layer (and I must), think airy and stretchy, a la those $3 tanks from Forever 21. Also, benzodiazepine. (I kid.) (Kinda.)
Keep a dollar store shower curtain liner under your sheets for the last month of pregnancy. Because if you pop, the world is not enough.
For the advent of solids: Wipe-able silicone bibs. They will save you soooooooo much laundry. I use and love these.
Finally, RELAX. Babies are practically made of rubber. They can recover from just about anything; yes, even you. Chances are if you are even the teeniest bit less moronic than this guy, your lil’ tyke will be just fine.

If I think of more, I’ll add it in a later post. Fellow parents are also welcome to sound off in the comments.

And now for your usual onslaught of offspring shenanigans. It should be noted that at time of writing, this .gif and Oreo cookies were Chip’s favorite things in the universe.

“Oh help! STUCK!”

“Ooops! Mess!”

So I put him in this hat … because I can.

He is so good in the car. He seriously just sits there like this and looks at his picture books like he’s actually reading.

Heh heh heh

Meet Button the bunny. He's become a permanent feature on Chip's arm these past few weeks. I pity the fool who tries to leave him behind in the crib after nap time.

Meet Button the bunny. Chip named him himself. He’s become a permanent feature on Chip’s arm these past few weeks. I pity the fool who tries to leave him behind in the crib after nap time.

Okay lovers, it’s been real but now it’s time for me to go eat cookies and catch up on Castle. TTFN.

Currently listening to: Ho Hey by The Lumineers

Third Trimester, Purple Potatoes, and the Flower I Didn’t Kill

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29 weeks and counting, mates. That’s like, almost 30. Yeesh. Where has the time gone?! Good news is, this ol’ bod clearly remembers what it’s doing so I haven’t been nearly as uncomfortable and symptomatic as last time. I’ll take it!

Forgot to mention the perplexing and slightly frustrating results from my latest sleep study. That was a weird day. After greeting me warmly and inviting me to sit, my doctor took a deep breath and jumped right in with, “Well, you’re a horse of a different color.” Turns out that – yet again – I did not definitively meet the full criteria for narcolepsy; however, my cluster of test results were unlike any she had heard of in over a decade of practice. Certain symptoms were there, others usually found in tandem were impossibly absent. For example, my sleep onset times were normal, but my MSLT REM cycles were completely wonky. The sleep quality I got during the unmedicated overnight studies were considered acceptable, even with PMLD, yet I remained exhausted during the day. In sum, I slept “great” under nighttime laboratory circumstances, but my brain activity was inexplicable during the daytime naps. “Your case would be interesting to take on grand rounds,” my doctor said. Awesome.

Best of all, the meds she would usually prescribe for daytime sleepiness are considered unsafe for pregnancy, so the best she could do was suggest iron supplements to get my serum ferritin levels up and hopefully combat the PMLD. Which … yeah right. Like any pregnant lady wants more digestion issues. I can’t afford to take naps because I always oversleep and they leave me feeling worse than before. So instead I made an appointment for several weeks postpartum to discuss my options.

Basically I’m off Xyrem, still using the CPAP, and getting through the day on ~~lots of~~ caffeine. It’s certainly not ideal, but life has led me to subscribe to a survivalist’s brand of optimism: it could always be worse, and if it gets worse, we’ll stop and reassess.

Anyway, enough boring talk! Milly, Pal, Roxy, and Rocket came to town and we had some adventures, including but not limited to Settler’s Park, shopping (obviously), the Idaho Botanical Gardens, and Boise Fry Company (the burgers are the sides). Lo:

Transfixed by Curious George

We sit on front porches and swing life away…

The Classic is heaven in a hot lil' bun.

The Original w/cheese is heaven in a hot lil’ bun.

Just slidin’

“Mmmm, treat!! COLD!”

Three cheers for Philadelphus lewisii

Also, I purchased a daisy seed kit from Deseret Book for like, a dollar, to see if I could manage keeping it alive. So far it seems to have survived several traumas, including transplantation to a bigger container and one frosty night when I forgot to bring it back inside. This gives you so much confidence in my parenting abilities, no?

And speaking of gardening, check out the world’s cutest yard maintenance crew:

What are your plans for the weekend? (Yes, I’m already counting down the days.) I plan on finishing up some projects for Moose’s nursery and maybe hitting up the Farmer’s Market for fresh berries. My nesting reflex is kicking in hard core, people, and I like it! Ah, would that these lovely days would last all year.

Currently listening to: Boozophilia by Low Cut Connie

Spring Has Sprung (Pictures Galore)

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Hello, beautiful people. How art thou?

Have you been enjoying spring? Has it even arrived for you yet? West Idaho April stomps Utah April (aka Winter Lite); it’s been gorgeous here. Our trees are blossoming, the sky is bright blue, and by mid-afternoon I usually need the A/C on in my car. What’s that you say? You want to come pay me a visit? OKAY!

Here’s a taste of what the Jay Clan’s been up to lately.

1. Milly’s 50th birthday. The grandboys obviously had no patience for photos, but Cleo was an angel.

2. We went to a Steelheads game with friends. Moose kicked along in time to the loud music. I have no idea who won – we left after the first period. Ah, life with kids.

3. We had little Easter celebrations both at home and in Pocatello. Chip had a high fever on the actual weekend and was pretty miserable, but we made do the best we could.

I dress my son in anthropomorphic attire sometimes. It’s a thing.

4. We went swinging, strolling, swimming, shopping, and snuggling.

5. Finally, here’s a picture of Chip’s latest fashion accessory, just in case you were feeling badly about yourself. I all but dumped him out of his umbrella stroller while finagling around a tricky curb, pitching him face first onto the concrete. Worst. Mom. Ever.

Tonight my brother Jargo is coming into town, and we plan on hitting up taco night at Cafe Rio. Because that’s what any responsible person one week from her third trimester would do on a Tuesday.

What’s new in your ‘hood?

Currently listening to: Stay by Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko

Chip’s Faves

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My biggest little guy hit his 20 month mark yesterday. WHAT. His vocabulary is growing at an alarming rate, and he takes great pleasure in shouting out items he recognizes. It’s the cutest.

Here’s a list of his Truest Loves, for purely mommy-blog-tastic documentary purposes (and because my pregnancy memory gets worse by the … oh. crap … what’s that word that means 1/60th of an hour?).

Colors: Blue and green

Foods: Macaroni and cheese, apple juice, the little marshmallows from Marshmallow Mateys (to him that part is “cereal” and the rest is rubbish), Cutie mandarins, Wendy’s chicken nuggets (he hates McD’s … good lad), kids’ pizza from Chili’s, bananas, blueberries, cookies, and yogurt.

Animals: Elephants, dogs, lions, turtles, ducks, horses, butterflies, the taxidermied polar bear at Cabela’s

Numbers and letters: 1, 2, 6, 7, 9, S, N, M, W, B, O

Songs: Gangnam Style (still), The Itsy Bitsy Spider, Elmo’s Song, Popcorn Popping, In a Cottage in the Woods

Miscellaneous: Mama, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, cousins, Elmo, Chuck the Dump Truck, shoes, rocks, dead leaves, bubbles, the sun, the Phone4Kids app, Big Bubba the bear, forks, drinking straws, cars, things shaped like ovals and moons, his mobile, bikes, getting the mail, watching videos of himself

We sure love that booger.

Currently listening to: Me and My Gang by Rascal Flatts

The Cookie Caper

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This afternoon I had seven girls over for our bimonthly Activity Days … um … activity. I think somehow I intuitively sensed that it was gonna be crazier than usual, so I made sure to have 48 ounces of carbonated liquid courage by my side beforehand. It was just one of those days, I could tell. Spoiler alert: liquid courage did not help.

Such prepubescent gatherings always involve some fast-talking hyperactivity, and since starting this position I’ve learned a few things the hard way. One of those things is to never dole out sugar until after the activity is over. Unlike with teenage boys, refreshments do NOT shut these girls up. Quite the opposite. My depleted supply of headache medicine can back this up.

Last night I made several batches of snickerdoodles that tasted fine but weren’t aesthetic enough to give to CK’s coworkers. I probably had at least three and a half dozen left in a big Tupperware container this afternoon. Had. Anyway, I’d already given each of the girls a little baby food jar full of jelly beans with this precious little Easter poem I ripped off some lady’s blog, but I decided that today was a great opportunity to get rid of some empty calories hanging around my house. Thus at the end of the hour I pulled out the container and told the girls they could have as many cookies as they wanted.

What I expected to happen: Each girl would politely take one or two cookies, maybe three if they were feeling extra hungry. They would also say ‘thank you’. Because that is the ladylike thing to do, and to my knowledge, none of them have been raised by wolves.

What actually happened: A friggin’ Biblical-style plague of locusts. Hands flew faster than sand in a hurricane. I saw two girls immediately snatch four cookies, stack them on top of each other, and eat them like a club sandwich. Others made multiple trips to get two at a time, chomping with open mouths while scattering crumbs all over the floor. One little lady literally leaned over the box and ate singles fist over fist, noshing at least seven down before she paused to take a breath. By the time parents started arriving 30 seconds later, several girls had grabbed stacks four inches high to take home, as if the fifteen cookies they’d already consumed was not enough. Have you ever seen a pack of lions feeding on a zebra carcass? I hadn’t either. All I could do was stare.

There are exactly two and a half snickerdoodles left.

Look. I could care less about the fact that my kitchen’s been picked ~~messy~~ clean, but I must admit found the lack of common courtesy rather horrifying. Is this how kids are nowadays? Haven’t they been taught to respect others’ things? Is that naive of me? Am I sounding old? Bring me my lap blanket!

I had a good conversation with my co-teacher after everyone had left about the delicacy of balancing teaching with propriety. I’m not these girls’ mother, and I’m very limited in how I can instruct or discipline. I have no problem telling them to stop throwing Chip’s ball around before they break something, or to please stop yelling over me when I’m speaking, or to let the other girls have a fair turn. There are other times when I need to smile and keep my mouth shut, and I do. However, I think this may be one time I dropped the ball. I was so busy standing in morbid, slack-jawed fascination that I didn’t say anything until it was too late. Besides, I worry that the first thing out of my mouth would have been “Woah, there, little piggies, don’t your parents feed you?”

What do you guys think? Was it foolish of me to think that they should’ve known better? Should I have laid down the law for their sakes, even though I genuinely didn’t care about the ugly cookies? I’m thinking yes. Somebody should.

Maybe I’m just tired and pregnant and grouchy. I dunno. At any rate, I’m very glad I only have the *older* girls to teach on Sundays. Yowza.

Currently listening to: Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men

Guess Who’s Back. Back Again.

The One in Which CK Hates YouTube

Dear Baby Moose,

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(It’s a play on words of Chocolate Mousse, see? Ha, I’m hilarious.)

We’ve been getting to know each other better lately, now that you have ears and detectable movements. Conclusion: I think you’re pretty neat.

I love you like Mormons love Netflix, casseroles with cream of chicken soup, and the phrase, “I’m grateful for this opportunity”.

I love you like I love my new license to say, “Chip! Quit donkey kicking your brother in the face.” As he does.

I love you like Julian Fellowes loves killing off his characters in absurd ways.

I love you like my bank account loves the fact that you’ll be born in exactly the same season as your big brother, meaning I won’t need you buy you a single article of clothing unless I want to.

I love you like I love laughing at all the wasted chicks on The Bachelor.

I love you like I love Chip’s new obsession with Gangnam Style (video to follow).

I love you like drugstores love selling Easter candy two months before the holiday. (Obviously CK bought a lifetime supply of Cadbury Mini Eggs. Obviously they’re halfway gone. Obviously my OB told me I gained 10 lbs since my last appointment in January.)

I love your wiggles and squirms. I especially love that you can’t reach my ribs or cervix yet. Ay carumba.

Moose, you’re fun. Can’t wait to meet ya, bud. Until then, though, I’m gonna enjoy the occasional nap while it’s still possible. No offense!

Currently listening to: On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons

I Got the Blues

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Aaaaaaand Baby Jay #2 is a…

MALE!

For some reason it makes me giggle to say that rather than “boy”.

We are over the moon! I’ve often said that Chip needs a good wrasslin’ buddy (even though he’s more inclined, like his father, to play quietly and appropriately in the corner. I don’t get it). Plus, I’m not gonna lie, CK and I are like *pros* at baby boys at this point. Perfect our vroom-vroom car noises? Check. Point the penis down when changing diapers? Check. Get really good at giving frequent high chair haircuts? Check. We know all the tricks.

You would think that seeing him up there on the screen would make this business feel more real, but I swear, now that I’m feeling better I forget I’m pregnant ALL the time. With Chip, I obsessed about things constantly and spent every waking second naively trying to plan some aspect of motherhood … HA. With this guy, I’m like, “Oh yeah! You’re in there! I love you. Umm… it’s not bad if I just ate like a crap load of seafood, right?”

In fact, I found THIS totally applicable link recently, and it made me laugh really really hard. Sorry for the swears.

Look at this big bro. “You give me a sidekick, I give you a dead leaf. We are even.”

So that’s the news. I feel like everything from here on out is just one more big waiting game. Pity – I almost always suck at those.

Love to you all!

Currently listening to: What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction (I regret nothing!)

The Capital L

Left pinky. Right ring. All together now.